Stuck in the habit of not

prioritising yourself?

by Claire

Deep down we all know this to be true: self-care matters. It matters to actively take care of your needs, which in turn makes you better equipped to take care of others.

So, if it’s not selfish: why then it is common to feel paralysed by a surge of guilt when faced with the prospect of doing something for ourselves?

And how can we get good at pushing past this and doing the thing that will ultimately benefit us?

The truth is so many of us grew up hearing things like: ‘It’s selfless to put others first’ and believe the measure of a person’s character is how they prioritise others before themselves. This is why many people experience guilt when engaging in self-care, because we have been taught to put others needs above our own.

The trick is to get comfortable with the discomfort of the guilt. Let’s say you want to find time for exercise, or alone time but you’re struggling to ask your partner to look after your kids because you feel guilty about the impact it will have on his or her day. Too often we resort to avoiding the guilt by de-prioritising ourselves. But this results in us not doing the thing that will put us in a better place. Instead, the key to getting unstuck is to recognise and tolerate the guilt. You’re going to take care of yourself, AND you’re going to feel guilty.

Two things can be true at once. It sounds like a basic concept – the idea that two things that may seem opposing can actually be true at the same time. So often we get stuck in black-and-white thinking that leads us to the conclusion we’re wrong or undeserving. In these instances the ‘two things are true’ idea can be a super simple way to reframe things, with ‘AND/BUT’ statements being a practical tool to use.

A few other examples of AND/BUT thinking:

• In the workplace: ‘I am a valued member of the team, AND I do not need to take on every project.’

• In relationships: ‘We don’t always have to agree, BUT we always respect each other.’

• Parenting: ‘I enjoy being with my children, AND sometimes I need a break.’

• Emotions: ‘I am nervous, BUT I am in control.’

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash